# My oldest child does not like Daisy



## redessa (Nov 11, 2013)

When Em was little (she's a teenager now) she was quite fearful of dogs but I thought she had overcome that. I knew when I started talking about getting a dog that she still was not fond of them but there are a couple of dogs she has warmed up to over the years. And while I never expect her and Daisy to be best friends, I thought Em would get used to it and they could coexist peacefully. I took all the kids with me when I went to look at Daisy. Em didn't like the idea, but did give her consent to us bringing the puppy home so it's not like I sprung this on her.

Well, we've had Daisy since the beginning of November and things are not going the way I'd hoped. Em stays in her room as much as possible. When she is forced to be in the same room with Daisy, she says very sternly "No dog! Get away!" if Daisy even hints at coming her direction. Em will stand on chairs or whatever she has to do to keep Daisy from touching her and literally screams if Daisy comes up to her. She actually had a crying fit when Daisy followed me into her room a few days ago. 

I'm at a loss for what to do. I've offered to take Em to a behavioral therapist to deal with what I now realize is a phobia. But she doesn't want to address it and I'm not sure any treatment will help if she's not a willing participant. My husband is indifferent to the dog, but the other 4 children and I are quite attached to her. It would break our hearts to have to find her a new home but I've made the offer to Em several times (starting about month in). Every time I bring it up, Em says it's fine. Clearly it's not fine. 

I could confine Daisy to different part of the house anytime Em is out of her room but that hardly seems fair to Daisy who didn't do anything wrong. On the other hand, having the dog out and about is, in effect, confining Em to her room. That's not right either. What do I do? I'm open to any ideas.


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## DB1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Hmm. tricky one, poor you. All I will say that confining Daisy occasionally would be fine, she wouldn't see it as any kind of punishment if you left her with treats and something like a stuffed kong, it does a dog good to be confined to separate areas occasionally as you never know when you may need to do that and its good to get them used to it. I childmind, although only occasionally now but when Dudley was Daisy's age he was often confined to the hall (behind a babygate) for about half the day to keep him away from the children and the toys. Also you have been going through the worse nippy age, Dudley now spends quite a bit of his day laying around, if someone wants to play great, but if not he is a snoozy boy, do you think your daughter would be a lot better then?


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## Tinman (Apr 23, 2013)

Does daisy bite your daughter, playfully or teething?? You say she is a teenager - but how old, and how old are the other children? Can she not learn tolerance, or not to be scared by them? 
If it is a phobia, is she like this with other dogs that you may meet out and about during a normal days?


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## lady amanda (Nov 26, 2010)

How much do you include your daughter in what you do with the puppy. I wonder if she were to take more of an active roll in the up bringing of the dog, would it help her? like going through a one one one puppy class...I think a group class would just scare her, or perhaps doing a trick class, where they can learn tricks like the dogs on tv. like the girl and the dog who was on Britain's got tallent.


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## Freya (Mar 22, 2013)

We got Bella because my daughter age 10 was petrified of dogs, wouldn't play out, constantly scanning for dogs when out with us it was really impacting on her life and getting worse not better. I didn't want her to have a lifelong fear.
It was hard going at first with Bella , we had a dog play pen in the lounge to give My daughter a break from Bella and wouldn't let her upstairs so Olivia knew she was safe upstairs. Fast forward to Bella being 11 months old now and Olivia adores her, takes her for walks, will open her mouth to get things out that Bella has got but isn't supposed to, plays with her and has no fear at all with Bella. Other dogs the fear is minimal now- an amazing change, when I see Olivia holding Bella and loving her I always smile at the difference.
Does your daughter take part in walking and feeding your dog to help her feel involved. 4 months is still so young another 2 or 3 months should be so much better in terms of sharp teeth and nipping. My advice would be to try and stick with it, explain to your daughter the long term benefits of being comfortable around dogs in the future . Hopefully in a short while it will be so different for you both. Bella at 11 months is calm and lounges around a lot, still plays and is daft as a brush but very different from the 4 month old pup she was.
Maybe getting her involved in training your pup in the house so she feels some control may help. Good luck.


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## RuthMill (Jun 30, 2012)

I think I would push for the behavioural therapist. It's sounds like learned behaviour rather than a phobia. She doesn't want to be like that forever, she will be much happier if she does not have this fear. You will all be much happier. In an ideal world she would naturally develop a tolerance and maybe even like Daisy but in the real world it sounds like she putting up barriers at every opportunity, it's a vicious circle. I don't usually believe in therapists but behavioural therapists are really very good at finding the root cause and helping people to relearn behaviour.


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## Jensen (Apr 23, 2013)

There may be a chance that your daughter is jealous of the attention the puppy gets too. Teenagers and their hormones you never know what is going on.  Could you perhaps get her to do stuff for the puppy in return for some kind of reward for her? 

My son screamed for three weeks when we got Jenson but he loves him now, he was 4 and petrified of dogs.


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## fairlie (Sep 7, 2013)

How old is your daughter? Teenage girls are much trickier than a puppy, I know mine was. Has she started to individuate from you? That is the process where she becomes her own person rather than just your daughter. It is always worse when the mother daughter bond is very close.


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## Nellies mum (May 12, 2013)

Jensen said:


> There may be a chance that your daughter is jealous of the attention the puppy gets too. Teenagers and their hormones you never know what is going on.  Could you perhaps get her to do stuff for the puppy in return for some kind of reward for her?
> 
> My son screamed for three weeks when we got Jenson but he loves him now, he was 4 and petrified of dogs.


Aww poor beautiful Daisy she probably just wants your daughter to love her! I do agree with Jensen with the fact your daughter may be jealous of the attention Daisy is getting. If she had a real phobia of dogs I don't believe she would have given her consent about bringing the puppy home. 
If it were my boys (I have two older teenage boys) I would tell them to get a grip and grow up (which I do often)!! But that's me and I'm not very nice  Sorry not very helpful!
Like the others have said maybe getting her to help out with daisy and hopefully this can grow an attachment?


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## fairlie (Sep 7, 2013)

Nellies mum said:


> If it were my boys (I have two older teenage boys) I would tell them to get a grip and grow up (which I do often)!! But that's me and I'm not very nice  Sorry not very helpful!


I'm glad you said this, it is what I would do too. Sometimes when they behave badly and it gets them attention they'll keep at it just because. Like puppies!


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## Marzi (Sep 17, 2012)

Teenagers are infinitely more challenging, confusing and demanding than dogs....
I'd give Em chocolate, space and not too gushing reminders of your love for her  
Is she the oldest?
What do your other children say about or to her when she is kicking off over Daisy.
Being 14 is horrible. If it wasn't the dog she hates, it would probably be you.
You deserve a drink, a Daisy cuddle and a child free evening. I hope you get one.

On the plus side if any dog is going to win Em round, it will be Daisy.
Try not to worry too much.


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## Lexi&Beemer (May 5, 2013)

So I've noticed that dogs seem to react to people who are scared of them. They respond to the heightened agitation as "uh oh we need to be alert" and can't figure out the source of the danger other than the person freaking out. I think it's important for kids to know how to be calm in front of dogs so that they are calm adults in front of dogs. My niece who loved jumping and playing with them freak out now because her mom freaks out whenever we see them. 

As for your teenage daughter, consider what message you reinforce if you actually get rid of a pet who the rest of your family seems very bonded to. What does it say to your other children about what's important. It must be hard to understand how your oldest doesn't enjoying the benefits of the love and joy of being with the puppy and a poo puppy at that as much as you do. But think of her behavior as teenage tantrum and not withdrawal, isolation, or fear. Even her freaking out when daisy comes close. It's like with Beemer and his barking, I need to wait it out because if I give in he just learns to bark louder and longer because he knows he will eventually get his way. Just have faith that you are a good mom as evident by how concerned you are. And I would have everyone else enjoy the yummy that is a poo (may help if husband pretended at least to be more enthused about the dog, maybe a signal to your daughter that Daisy is not an important part of the family). 




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## kendal (Jul 16, 2009)

If im honest it can take a lot longer for some people to bond with a dog. 

Has she e r been left alone in the house with the pup. 

Have you had a propper sit down and asked her what she feels about the dog or what she wants too do (I know getting teens to talk is like blood out of a stone) I doubt she eill ever agree to you rehoming the dog as she wont want to upset the rest of the family. 

I would want to try and include her in the manegment of tge pup, and go to training class. big step for somone with a dog phobia. We had a woman go for hypnotherapy, the change in her was unreal and she wished she had done it years ago. 

But you need to have a propper chat with her about it.


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## tessybear (May 1, 2011)

It sounds like your daughter has a phobia so you can't be logical about it with her. Find her a behaviour therapist who will work through things with her maybe even with Daisy too. Hope things go well for you.


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## redessa (Nov 11, 2013)

Thanks everyone.

To answer some questions, Em is 16. She's never been bitten or otherwise injured by a dog. Daisy's never even nipped her - Em doesn't let her get close enough for that. I really don't think this is "tantrum-y" behavior. She is generally the most level-headed, reasonable teenager you could ever hope to meet. The freaking out over dogs goes back to when she was a toddler. If she so much as saw a dog, she'd scream like someone was chasing her with a hatchet. Cats weren't much better but she learned to like them when we had a couple years ago. I really thought the same would happen with a dog.

To clarify, when I said she'd warmed up to other dogs, that may be a stretch. It used to be she wouldn't go into a house if they had a dog. Then her best friend got one and she learned to tolerate it. But they do make an effort to keep him away from Em when she's there. The other one was my parents' golden retriever. When he got old enough that he barely moved, and Em could be assured that there would be no sudden movements from him, she got to where she could be in the same room. Never once though has she petted a dog or voluntarily touched a dog.

As for her helping with Daisy's care, she flat out refuses. There was one time she was left home alone with the dog and had to take her out for a potty break. This was when Daisy was still too small to go up and down the porch steps and had to carried. Em wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't have contact with Daisy's fur. 

We do have baby gates up and confine puppy to a small bathroom at times. She has a bed, water, toys, etc... in there. We put her in there if she's over excited and getting nippy and at dinner time 1) so she's not begging at the table and 2) for Em's comfort. Daisy goes in her room without a fuss when she's going to be home alone and happily sleeps there all night. But if she can hear or see the rest of us, she wants to be out with the family. But if Daisy is out, Em goes into hiding. I hate it.

I have tried talking to her. I do think jealousy could play into it and have made an effort to limit any gushing about my super cute fuzzy wuzzy puppy when Em's around. Mostly though she wants to pretend there's no problem and not address it at all. We talked more tonight after I read your thoughts. Pretty much I've told her she no longer has a choice. I will give her a few days to think of her own ideas for accepting that our family has a dog or she goes to the therapist to get some professional guidance.


And for the record, her dad is totally on my side. He's quick to point out that while he didn't really want a dog either, he is kind to Daisy and doesn't mind when she wants to (enthusiastically) greet him after work. He even plays with her sometimes and will gladly let her snuggle up by him when she's being calm. He very much tries to be a good example and teach all the kids how to be good to animals. I just wish it weren't such a struggle for Em.


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## Marzi (Sep 17, 2012)

You sound like a wonderful mum.
Let us know how it goes.


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## Nellies mum (May 12, 2013)

Ah I really hope you can help your daughter come to terms with Daisy living with you even if she doesn't build up a bond with her. I'm sure Daisy will pick up on the signs that your daughter is scared of her. My Nephew sounds exactly the same and will not visit my house at all even if I put the dogs in kitchen. It sounds to me as though you have given your daughter good choices there. It is harder that she is a teenager where they fall back into the ego-centric phase and will find it hard to see the other side of argument so you giving her the opportunity to come up with her own ideas about accepting the dog within the family is a fab idea. However your explanation above does cry out her fear or dislike of dogs and I think maybe therapy would help her. 

I know I tell my own kids to get a grip and grow up! However I work with 30 children each day with different emotional and behavioural differences and do not take that attitude then obviously. Just to clear that up in case anyone is lurking that knows me!!! haha


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## tessybear (May 1, 2011)

I agree you sound like a very sensible mum. It's good your hubby is supportive. Mine didn't want a dog either and now he has two!


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## RuthMill (Jun 30, 2012)

I also agree that you sound like a lovely mum. I have a good feeling that it will work out. If any dog can bring someone round it's a darling cockapoo!


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## Cat 53 (Aug 26, 2012)

Good luck. If these things aren't nipped in the bud they do tend to escalate. My aunt was scared of dogs.....and cats.....and birds.....and dentists.....and doctors, In the end it makes for a lonely life living with fear.


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## redessa (Nov 11, 2013)

Thank you all for the kind words. I'll post updates about how it's going.


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