# Just because I love my dogs



## Marzi (Sep 17, 2012)

I'm having a tough time with my mother at the moment. Her dementia is now 'advanced' and my brother feels that she should now be in a home.
Lots of emotions 
Thank heavens for faithful friends and lovely walks


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## Meredith (Mar 30, 2014)

They are the best when you're going through a difficult time aren't they. I know they make my world a better place. You have beautiful dogs, they look so happy and healthy.


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## erinafare (Dec 9, 2012)

Marzi know exactly the conflicting emotions going through your head at the moment. A hard decision to make one that was taken out of my hands thank goodness.
My dogs have also been a comfort.
Thinking of you xxx


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## Woo (Oct 5, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your Mum, our dogs are a great help at these trying times.


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## Cat 53 (Aug 26, 2012)

This is a hard part Marzi. Went through it with my Mum. I feel for you. Thank heavens for our dogs, good to walk with, good to cuddle and very good at drying your tears.


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## Tinman (Apr 23, 2013)

Lovely pictures marzi, keep smiling & do what is best for you & your family as well as your mum. X


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## dmgalley (Aug 19, 2012)

So sorry. Hugs. I know this must be a hard time. The girls look beautiful as always. 

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Nanci (Mar 1, 2012)

So very sorry to hear your mom's mental health is detoriating! Does she live with you?? This is a very hard decision and my prayers will be with you for guidance that will be best for your moms continuing care. When I came home from seeing my mom I was a bit depressend having to leave her behind . . . but the greeting from my husband and my poos really liftied my spirits!! Such a comfort!! Blessings to you!!


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## arlo (Mar 11, 2013)

Wonderful photos as always, I often use the photos of your walks as an escape from things here. My mums paranoia can be so hard and her not wanting to be ever left alone. Not the same as advanced dementia that must so hard, my mum keeps making me swear I will never put her in a home and I hope I never have to, after having cared so well for your mum, you will know the right thing to do. Hope you beautiful dogs will keep helping recharge your batteries and providing a non judgemental ear.


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## Cat 53 (Aug 26, 2012)

Find the right home, with a loyal, long term staff, one that welcomes the families and know them by name, has lots of activities, good medical liaison, the other clients are well dressed, hair done, jewellery worn, nails done, plenty of outings etc, and your Mum, Marzi, will find a new lease of life. She will also relax because she will feel safe. And you will relax because the time you spend with her will be stress free, and the time you are apart you will know she is safe. As she declines and becomes more confused, you will know she is cared for and safe. I still wish that I could have looked after my Mum myself, but with a husband in a wheelchair it was just not feasible. But Mum baked cakes, made hats, played quiz games, looked after chickens, went on outings and had a ball. She was also able to die in the home, which was great because she was so looked after there. Our worst fears were that she would end up in hospital.....the worst place to be when you are confused and unable to comprehend instructions. When she died she was warm, clean and comfortable, surrounded by her children. It was peaceful and quiet and caring. Hope this helps Marzi.


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## Yogi bear (Feb 25, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear you and your family are going through difficult times. I'm sure your poos are helping you to smile. Hugs x


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## RuthMill (Jun 30, 2012)

Lovely pictures Marzi. Glad you have solace and happiness in your doggy soul mates. 

Sorry you are hitting a hard time and potentially lots of decisions with your mum. I've not been through it and can only imagine how difficult and emotionally challenging it is. Sorry.


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## 2ndhandgal (Aug 29, 2011)

Lovely photos  and three very lovely dogs 

Glad your dogs are helping. Mine have certainly got me through the toughest times


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## Marzi (Sep 17, 2012)

Cat 53 said:


> Find the right home, with a loyal, long term staff, one that welcomes the families and know them by name, has lots of activities, good medical liaison, the other clients are well dressed, hair done, jewellery worn, nails done, plenty of outings etc, and your Mum, Marzi, will find a new lease of life. She will also relax because she will feel safe. And you will relax because the time you spend with her will be stress free, and the time you are apart you will know she is safe. As she declines and becomes more confused, you will know she is cared for and safe. I still wish that I could have looked after my Mum myself, but with a husband in a wheelchair it was just not feasible. But Mum baked cakes, made hats, played quiz games, looked after chickens, went on outings and had a ball. She was also able to die in the home, which was great because she was so looked after there. Our worst fears were that she would end up in hospital.....the worst place to be when you are confused and unable to comprehend instructions. When she died she was warm, clean and comfortable, surrounded by her children. It was peaceful and quiet and caring. Hope this helps Marzi.


Thanks so much for this, it does help.
I know it is natural to want things to be ideal. I imagined that I would be able to care for mum in her flat, with support from carers allowing her to maintain a sort of independence and her own privacy, which have always been so important to her. I'd love to have her here, but she finds noise very difficult and upsetting - normal family hubbub makes her very anxious and agitated. The children have become expert at having gentle muted meals with their Gran, but not realistic to expect them to be that suppressed all the time.
Mother has always been a bit of a funny old thing - very insular and dependent on close friends to keep in touch with her. Now she doesn't remember those who are still living. The woman she was would have hated living communally, doing activities, not having the space to withdraw.
.. sorry I'm rambling. I just want her to be happy.
At this rate I'll need to take the dogs for another walk.


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## Cat 53 (Aug 26, 2012)

I don't think it's realistic for people with dementia to be on their own. Carers are ok, but they have tight schedules and cannot be there 24/7 and that's what is required. My Mum got quite distressed on her own. And then she fell over and blacked her eye. As for taking pills.....nightmare. She took a weeks worth of antibiotics in 24 hours, so we bought an automatic pill dispenser for her. She rang us to say it was great the buzzer had rang and she had taken her pill. 5 mins later we had another call to say she couldn't open the box to take her pill. She spent over £400 ringing the speaking clock,and BT couldn't care less. These are issues (and fairly minor ones) that arose when she was in a warden controlled development, but taken with everything else that when on, and her increasing isolation within that community, we realised that she needed more help and support than was available to her there. Persuading her, was truely awful. But she was so miserable she told me she wanted to die. In the end, a talk with her very lovely and supportive GP helped her make the decision. I feel for you Marzi, I really do. It's not easy. Big hugs for you and your Mum. Just be at her side as much as is possible. Let her know how much you love her all the time. Say it loud and say it often. You both need to hear it and when her mind is clouded, and she seems somewhere else, those words, and that feeling will still get through. My Mums last words to me were 'I do love you', said with a lovely smile when she was really very ill. I treasure them.


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## fairlie (Sep 7, 2013)

Sending you a big virtual hug Marzi, it is such a tough time I know.  Thank goodness you have those lovely curly, shaggy therapists who will see you through.


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## DB1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Sorry you are having a hard time, have a good look at some homes if you are definitely going that way (sounds as if you don't really have much choice), most will offer respite care so it maybe worth trying to get her somewhere for a few days to see how it works out. My sister arranged for her father-in-law to spend a few days in a home which looked like the best but just didn't seem right when he was there, he is now in another and my mum is in a different unit there, we are very happy with their care, I never give them warning when I visit and she always looks well dressed, clean hair etc. She was originally in another one when she had to be moved directly from hospital (no decision for us) but after a while we felt she was being ignored because she is no hassle. We kept our dad in his home with carers as long as possible but we worried he was a danger to himself in the end, we were looking into homes when he had a fall and had to go to hospital, short story is he was not really cared for there, (all too common a story sadly), we got him out but he died in the home mum was in (just a few doors down) when he couldn't fight off an infection he got in hospital. Oh sorry - bit too much sharing! anyway having Dudley with me throughout Dads problems was great (mum was in a home before I got him) - not because he had the wonderful empathy I read about other dogs having, but because he was always there wanting to go out and have fun, and it was an escape from the sadness, I could still watch him being daft and smile at him running about despite everything else. xx


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## arlo (Mar 11, 2013)

It is so nice that people can share their experiences, because at times like this it is so easy to feel you are the only one in this position and no one understands. My mum lives with us and for the first five years my husband and I were so so depressed with the situation my mum is so manipulative and self centred and I honestly don't mean that in a bad way it is what her illness has done. In the last two years I have started to stand up for myself and it hasn't been easy, I always was brought up to respect my parents wishes (which they said all through their lives was that I would look after them when they are old as my sister is not the type!) Me trying to take control has led to my mum saying somethings I never imagined my sweet loving mum would ever say to me, screaming at me that I am a cold hearted bitch, when we have given up so much for her. she has been physically violent with me, my husband , grandson and Arlo. Now I am rambling. Arlo and Savannah have brought so much joy into our lives, they truly have helped, they without knowing really do help share the burden. Sorry for off loading on your thread Marzi.


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## Tinman (Apr 23, 2013)

Ah Amanda, I'm sorry to hear this. This kind of illness has such a knock on affect to all involved, it's truly upsetting & causes such misery. 
I have this behaviour now from billy, age 4 - he says he hates me and hits me........ 
Maybe when I'm older I can get my own back!!  xxxxxxx


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## Marzi (Sep 17, 2012)

Marilyn - thank you, your posts make me cry, but are also so very comforting. My mother is very reserved, never a hug, cuddle or kiss mother and I think we all grew up feeling that she was rather disappointed with us. With a bit of age and wisdom I realise that actually she was a product of her own upbringing and really a rather sad person. Didn't make teenage years easy. 
Since she was seriously ill 14 odd years ago, and then moved closer and I have been increasingly involved in caring for her, culminating in giving up my job 18 months ago to give her the care she has needed to retain her precious independence, our relationship has changed and grown. I gave her a cuddle yesterday and told her I loved her and she replied that she loved me too.

Dawn she is actually in respite care at the moment as my brother realised that I needed a break and it is increasingly hard to manage mother's needs and Lizzie's, especially in the holidays. I know I've got it wrong when I leave on her own with a bucket because she is sick and tell her to phone me because I have to go and get Granny up...

The home is beautiful (and expensive, luckily mother has money) but it is not what she wants and she is not happy. Refusing to get up, not eating, declining help with personal hygiene, declining offers to get involved. I know that these things take time and the home ask for not less than 2 weeks and preferrably 3 to allow people in respite to get used to the routine. Mother has no recollection of her flat has not asked to go 'home' is very grateful for the care, but miserable. I've been over to see her several times (so much for the break LOL) the home is 40 mins away - none even remotely nice nearer - so it is not ideal and I hate not being able to see her every day. Not proving much of a break, as I feel wretched.

The question is whether she should just stay there, or whether she can come back home and be nearer me and I can find a private carer for her to ensure she is not on her own during the day - either me or the carer with her. She does not wander. She is in a warden managed block and her close neighbours are lovely ladies who do look out for her- although she does not like them to come into her flat, nor will she visit them in hers.

Amanda my heart weeps for you. It doesn't really help when people say that you are wonderful, but you are. Big hug.


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## Cat 53 (Aug 26, 2012)

I will say just one more thing......if you give so much of yourselves that you make yourselves ill, then you can't help anybody, husbands, children or parents. We are part of the sandwich generation, the filling in the sandwich, squeeze too hard and the filling drops all down your shirt. It's imperative that you allow yourselves breaks. A few weeks to do what you want to do as a family, as man and wife, as a woman. It's absolutely vital. I'm out the other side now. I know I did the best I could for my Mum, whilst still being able to function and care for my husband and Grandson. She knows how much she was loved. I have no regrets. I take my hat off to you Amanda and to You Marzi, but heed my words, because things don't get better. So care for yourselves too. Big, big hugs to you both.


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## RuthMill (Jun 30, 2012)

If I can say anything, I have to agree with Marilyn. Please please care for yourselves. I see this a lot in my line of work. Your are important, as are your husbands/wives/kids etc. I'm sorry for everyone going through a tough tough time. I think you are all amazing.


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