# Help,anxious prospective owner



## Stepneych (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi this is my first message on the site however I have been reading posts for months and can I just say that I am addicted!! There is such fantastic information.I am hoping to get some reassurance about getting a puppy.I suffer from anxiety but have always wanted a dog.My husband was bought up with dogs and we have 3 children 4,9 and 13 who are surrounded by dogs either with my sisters 3 or friends dogs.We rehomed a 12 week old pup in June and I lasted a week before I became an emotional wreck and had to rehome her to a lovely lady a few doors down from us (breaks my heart when I see her).I instantly regretted getting rid of her and wish I could have taken her back.My worries start with the puppy crying at night,I worry it will disturbed the children,I worry about how I leave the puppy.I work 2 days a week for 3 hours a day.I worry about my 4 1/2 year old because he freaks if the puppy jumps up or try's to play with his toys which makes me think he will resent the pup or worst still resent me.Hubby thinks I should just relax about the whole thing but I think I have read too many posts with horror stories of pups not sleeping and not toilet training and biting etc that I have got myself into a stew.I just really really want the next pup to work out but I am worried I will panic again and become I'll.HELP!!
XC


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## flounder_1 (May 12, 2011)

Oh poor you. It sounds like you're getting into a stew just thinking about it! Puppies do cry for the first few weeks (initially for a few nights and then for a short while each time you leave them) but that soon stops. They also do play bite for the first 4-6 months or so. Our puppy learnt not to do this to us quite quickly but seemed to consider my 9 year old son fair game! 

Have you thought about rehoming an older puppy - 9 months old or so? Most of those issues will have gone by then.


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## Kate (Jul 5, 2011)

Hi there, I too have been reading posts on this site for months as it gives fantastic advice and reassurance when you are considering and eventually get your new puppy but have only managed to post once ! However I felt I had to respond as your family situation is similar to mine and whilst I don't suffer from anxiety the reason we added a puppy to our family was for very emotional reasons. We have 3 children aged 5,6 and 10 and when my daughter was 3 she was attacked and badly bitten by a dog which left both her and me incredibly traumatised and for her it developed into a phobia of dogs where she would rather jump into the road than pass a dog on the street. Having sought medical advice and completed a lot of research we bought Molly, a Jukee Doodles pup in august and she has transformed emilys life. I can honestly say that whilst she is still wary of dogs (not such a bad thing) she is no longer terrified and the joy it gives me to see her curled up with Molly on the sofa or taking her for a walk is immeasurable however...... I just wanted to say that puppies are very hard work as gorgeous as they are. 
Apart from the first night Molly has never cried at night so can't comment on the anxiety that would cause but if your house is anything like mine with 3 children it's always chaos and I find that whilst Molly is quite calm with my older two with Fin, my youngest whose sole aim in life is to whip her up into a frenzy she spends her whole time jumping up and play biting, add a couple of other children around to play or trying to get them out the door for school in the morning and its enough to send even the calmest person crazy !!
I work 3 days a week for 4 hours at a time and Molly copes brilliantly with that too. All in all we wouldnt be without her and love her to bits but the first few months are trying at times. Having said that if you really want a dog as part of your family it's worth spending as much time as possible thinking of ways to overcome the issues you may face so that they don't make you ill.
So sorry everyone or the long post, you can see why I don't do it very often but really hoped it helped a bit !
Kate


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## Rufini (Sep 9, 2011)

I understand that there is a lot of anxiety involved when introducing an animal to a young family, especially bigger animals like dogs!

The main thing is if you don't have time to train a dog then really don't get one - it is so much work. It's just me and my boyfriend at home but Vincent takes up so much of our time with training, walks, more training, and day to day looking after! I honestly don;'t know how some people here cope with puppys AND babies/children (I suspect some of them MUST be cyborgs... ).

A dog is only good if you spend time with it and train it - all puppies cry at night at the beginning, some more than others (Vincent was brill when we first got him, but now we have about 10 minutes of crying everynight which can be pretty loud!). Also, never expect a puppy to be house trained straight away - again some pups get it straight away some it takes months and months.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding pretty negative, but I really want to put across that no matter what it will be hard work, and the pup will only respond well if you dedicate the time.

Janets suggestion is pretty good - maybe adopt an older dog? It might help with your nerves and give you the confidence of getting a puppy one day.


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## wellerfeller (Jul 12, 2011)

Stepneych said:


> Hi this is my first message on the site however I have been reading posts for months and can I just say that I am addicted!! There is such fantastic information.I am hoping to get some reassurance about getting a puppy.I suffer from anxiety but have always wanted a dog.My husband was bought up with dogs and we have 3 children 4,9 and 13 who are surrounded by dogs either with my sisters 3 or friends dogs.We rehomed a 12 week old pup in June and I lasted a week before I became an emotional wreck and had to rehome her to a lovely lady a few doors down from us (breaks my heart when I see her).I instantly regretted getting rid of her and wish I could have taken her back.My worries start with the puppy crying at night,I worry it will disturbed the children,I worry about how I leave the puppy.I work 2 days a week for 3 hours a day.I worry about my 4 1/2 year old because he freaks if the puppy jumps up or try's to play with his toys which makes me think he will resent the pup or worst still resent me.Hubby thinks I should just relax about the whole thing but I think I have read too many posts with horror stories of pups not sleeping and not toilet training and biting etc that I have got myself into a stew.I just really really want the next pup to work out but I am worried I will panic again and become I'll.HELP!!
> XC[/QUOTE
> If I were you I would at least wait until your youngest is a bit older. It doesn't matter how relaxed you are about having a puppy at times everyone wants to tear their hair out. Puppies will bite, jump, chew, toilet in the house and be into everything else you can think of and it went on for a good 2 months in this house!!!!!!
> It is quite stressful and can be lots of fun too but you have to be prepared for a devil in cockapoo clothing to be in your house for a good while before you get a lovely calm family pet.
> ...


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## Laura(L)Izzie (Sep 9, 2011)

Hi & welcome to the forum!  It does get very addictive 
I can understand your worry, but only you know 100% if you are really for another pup, but I will just give a bit of background of my two for information for you 

Our first dog Izzie was brilliant! We brought her home about 7 & a half weeks, she cried for less than half an hour for up to the first week in her crate & then that was it & slept through the night without accidents after the first couple of nights  She was also very easy to toilet train! (although bear in mind any puppy can have an odd accident even after a couple of months) but on the whole within the first month she was going outside nearly every time for a wee! & I don't remember her ever poo'ing in the house (but could be wrong) she is now 14 months old.

Poppy is our newest pup, she was 11 weeks yesterday & we brought her home at exactly 8 weeks old. She howled for a good hour when we pup her to bed (sometimes longer) meaning sometimes we had to go down & make sure she was okay, a few times she woke up in the middle of the night howling (most of these times was because she had poo'd in the crate & was stressed about it), she didn't settle well in the crate at all so after a good week of the same thing we removed it & let her sleep in the kitchen, again no luck, another week passed & she howled (although I think toileting wise was better)... Now Izzie has slept in our bedrooms on the floor from being around 6months old or something so we not let Poppy do the same & she's brilliant  Sleeps through the night & no accidents (unless we haven't made sure she's done both a wee & poo before bed). So we worked out what was best for us in the situation & now she is fine 

Poppy with toilet training (from what I remember of Izzie) she isn't as great, however now nearly everytime she will go to the door & wait to be let out, however if we don't notice she will squat & that's it, so you have to keep an eye on her...

I hope some of that gives you an idea at what you could expect & also how all dogs can be different. If you don't think you could handle the toilet training, then as the others have said maybe an older dog for sale or a rescue dog would be a better idea if it would help your anxiety. There doesn't seem to be many older cockapoos getting sold in the UK but if you keep an eye out you may come across one, although generally you have to be quick because they sell quickly! (at least i've assumed you're in the UK - if not & you're in the US then i've heard there are quite a few in rescues).

Good luck


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## Pollypiglet (Oct 22, 2011)

Hi, really sorry to hear you really want a dog but your anxiety puts you off. There is no easy answer, I have owned dogs all my life, I live alone and have had my new puppy just a week. I used to have a very stressful job with a lot of responsibility and consider myself able to cope quite well, however having a puppy is a very serious committment but the biggest issue is puppies and all dogs pick up very easily on how you react towards them they can smell anxiety in an instant! I have felt the strain this last week but I know things will improve and I consider myself a calm assertive person. You could read Ceaser Milan How to raise the perfect dog, which may give you some idea of how to cope but if I am honest I would say perhaps try fostering an older dog for a while if possible or maybe 'borrow' a friends dog for weekends at first. You need to take care of yourself it will depend how much support and help you will get from hubby and extended family, but if it is goung to be left to you I would think about it very seriously. Good luck !


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## calli.h (Aug 29, 2011)

Hi I'm sorry you feel so anxious but I appreciate why you feel like this as a p/t working mum with kids. I think you should take a step back and just wait a while, take the stress away esp now its near xmas as well, it will be the last thing you want if you are feeling nervous already. Also I personally feel better when the days are longer with lighter nights so you can get out and about with the pup if its getting all to much in the house which it often is in ours which always calms things down. 
How was your youngest with the other puppy? I have 2 children - 6 & 2. The eldest is great with Arthur, but like Kate, my youngest is fair game for rough play and pinching her toys! When we first got him and the eldest had friends over I used to have to put him in his crate or ask my Nan to mind him for a couple of hours as he was always jumping and trying to play which was stressfull if the children were wary of dogs. 
As a pup he slept and settled really well, we asked my parents to take the kids for the night while we crate trained him so he wouldnt disturb their sleep, He wasnt toilet trained but some puppies can be (at least paper trained anyhow). 
At the end of the day its your decision when to take the plunge into puppyhood -a bit like having kids your never quiet ready, its scary but your sure you want to do it!!! x


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## Janev1000 (Oct 4, 2011)

I was just like you. For two years, I deliberated as to whether I could go back to sleepless nights, etc. There is some scary advice on the web (not on this forum!) such as setting your alarm clock every hour throughout the night to let them out, etc. But when I spoke to some other dog owners, they said "oh no! we didn't do anything like that!'. I then bought the 'Perfect Puppy' book and I found the advice in there to be so much more sensible and relaxed than other books/websites that can make you feel like a failure if you don't follow their instructions to the 'letter'. I too can get anxious and I decided that the only way I could give our puppy all the time and attention he needed, was to be strict at night and leave him in a crate with puppy pad. I knew this could slow down toilet training but I was willing to put up with this for the sake of my sanity. I am one of those people that if I know I have got to listen out for something in the night, then I will lie awake all night not sleeping! It happened every time with my babies and made me quite exhausted and depressed. So, I followed the advice of other dog owners and put him in a crate for approx 8 hours and it has worked really well. He whimpers a bit but soon quietens down. Also, after the first few nights, the pad has usually always been dry and hasn't interfered with toilet training at all. I really admire all those that have the puppies in their bedrooms, or get up to let their puppies out at 5am but I just couldn't do it as it sets up anxiety for me too. However, I may have changed that opinion if he had really screamed all night but he didn't so maybe I am just lucky. I am then able to really devote my whole day to him without feeling too tired and resentful that I have been up in the night. My boys are 16, 13 and 8 and the 16 yr-old is in his GCSE year and I too was worried about Biscuit keeping him awake, but so far, so good! As Karen says, you need to be 100% sure before you get your puppy as they definitely take a lot of your attention during the day and that in itself can be mentally tiring. I thought of a rescue dog to start with but after seeing two gorgeous cockapoos on my walks decided that that was definitely what I wanted to do. I expected to get the puppy blues as I certainly got the baby blues but have been so surprised at how much I am enjoying it all, even though he follows me everywhere - I just don't mind it all and I thought I would find that difficult. It helps having older children, like you have, as they too can share some of the load, if you need to get on with something for a minute, they should be able to help with the basics. I think I have gone on too long now but I think you are doing the right thing in questioning yourself and being honest about what you think you can cope with. All the best.


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## JR1 (Nov 12, 2011)

Dogs are supposed to lower blood pressure so that might help with anxiety. I don't know if you have looked into anything but there are lots of alternative therapies out there for stress such as hypnotherapy, acupuncture, shiatsu massage etc... I have a contact book of great women locally to me and London as I do a lot of business networking. If you are near me and feel it will help I am happy to pass on their details.

Poppy is a delight and has fitted in so well with no crying in the crate apart from the first evening and not during the night. if you have kids then it is definitely easier with puppies and just as rewarding!

Take care...

Jane.


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## Stepneych (Nov 24, 2011)

*Anixous prospective pup owner*

Thank you all for the fantastic advice.The puppy we are thinking of getting will be 14 1/2 weeks as she is the last of the litter.I have asked the breeder if she can hold on to her until the week after christmas so that the house is relatively calm  I am getting anxious thinking about it although the thought of never owning a dog makes me even more anxious.We did try rehoming a 2 year old cream cockapoo in April.I found one on preloved and spent a long time talking with the owner explaining our situation and the fact that I have never owned a dog and that we have 3 young children.She assured me that the dog was fantastic,not aggressive,brilliant recall etc and that she only wanted to rehome him because she too had 3 children and 4 dogs and could not cope with them all.Luckily I asked her if we could meet up on neutral ground to see him.I have never seen such an aggressive dog!!! He would not let any of us near him and everytime another dog passed he lunged and barked at them with his teeth baring.The lady then let him off of the lead and he ran straight out across the road.The worst thing was that the lady could not see what he was like and kept telling us how lovely he was and that he was just being naughty.Sadly I am a bit wary of rehoming older dogs now.I have the time for a pup as my 3 are at school all day and 3 out of 5 days I am just a stay at home mum.I just worry too much (
XC


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## Stepneych (Nov 24, 2011)

*Thank you Jane*

Thank you Jane for the lovely post.Unfortunatley it runs in the family and I think I have caught the crazy gene )) That is why it is so important for me to be able to do this so that I can feel in control and to know that it has not beaten me.I don't want to be scared of doing things because I feel they may push me over the edge again.I am in sussex so quite a way from London.Hubby is being fantastic about the whole thing but understandably does not want to keep parting with money and to keep having his heart broken with rehoming another dog.He has suggested this time that maybe he could take a week off of work to help settle the pup in to releive some of the stress.does it get a little easier after the first week???
XC


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## Janev1000 (Oct 4, 2011)

I was also going to add that Biscuit definitely does make me feel much calmer and relaxed and I get moments of sheer happiness that I didn't expect to be quite as intense. I haven't had to take any headache tablets since having him as I do sometimes get tension headaches that last a few days. My hubby did take the week off as he had lots of holiday to use up and I think this helped massively so I would definitely recommend that. My middle son was off on an extended half term too. My late Mum was a very anxious person and I have strived to try and avoid that but I know I inevitably have some of her genes. She developed Alzheimers' but, unlike me, she was not an active person and I think that would have helped her anxiety. I already walk loads and I think it really helps keep me balanced and that is definitely the biggest plus point of having a dog and getting you out. It's such a social experience and I have already chatted to some really people when out and about. It's also so lovely seeing the children bond with Biscuit. I definitely don't regret a single thing.


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## Pollypiglet (Oct 22, 2011)

I had two Jack Russell puppies when I was working full time at that point it was office hours but later went onto 24hr shift pattern. I had to get up at 6anm to give then at least an hour and a half ot my 'quality' time before I set off for work the my very good neighbour kept an eye on them during the day letting them out and feeding toileting them etc. I do not think a week is enough to settle a new puppy as before depends on how much help you get from others. I personally would never have coped with children and puppy and work but that is just me you may be different,


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## Dexter1011 (Aug 28, 2011)

Hi, Dexter is 4 months now and I have two children 6 and 8. I thought it might be helpful to compare it a bit to having a new baby as when I first got him it really reminded me of how I felt when I had my youngest, you are watching their every move and worrying if they sleep enough, eat something they shouldn't, children being too rough with them, cleaning up poo and wee. We had probably about 3 really awful nights of no sleep and Dexter crying a lot you really have to be strong and leave them, he is fine now and sleeps from 9 ish - 7

Dexter did nip quite a bit when we first got him which upset my children quite a bit as I think they imagine a cute cuddly puppy they could hold and they were quite afraid of him when he bit with his little sharp teeth. He doesn't do this at all now.

I work two days and come home at lunch time to walk and feed Dexter so he is probably left about 3 1/2 hours and then 2 hours those days and he is fine.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## Janev1000 (Oct 4, 2011)

Are you in East or West Sussex? I live on the border of East Sussex in Tunbridge Wells.


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## sharplesfamily (Apr 28, 2011)

Stepneych said:


> .He has suggested this time that maybe he could take a week off of work to help settle the pup in to releive some of the stress.does it get a little easier after the first week???
> XC


We had a few weeks off when we brought Luna home but we had deliberately made sure this was timed for when our youngest, Charlie, was due to start school part time. 

It does get easier after a few weeks and if you do go ahead with getting your dog, I'd definitely recommend taking the kids to puppy training with you (or at least the first couple) as they will really take in the knowledge too. Even though Charlie (4 1/2) didn't seem to be listening, he surprised everyone at the Virginia Water meet when he "Parked" one of JD's puppies. They will also need to learn how to put themselves above the dog in the pack - easy enough but they need to know how to do it.

Both our sons really love all dogs anyway so we did have head start I guess. Good luck and hope you make the right decision FOR YOU.


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## Dee123 (Aug 20, 2011)

Hello. I just got a puppy a few days ago. Yes it is quite some work but as long as you are fully aware of what's involved, keep at it and focus of your future well behaved dog who will be a wonderful family member, it's alright. My puppy is adorable and I'm enjoying him cos I read the posts on here and knew what to expect. Sounds like with your first dog, you didn't have enough info on what to expect. Now on ILMC, you do!


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## Dylansmum (Oct 29, 2010)

As your puppy will be a little older, will she have had all her jabs? Because I think it is easier once you can take them out for walks. Then you can establish a daily routine, which they quickly get used to. If so, then your hubby could come out on those first walks, help get her trained and off-lead which would probably be good for you. I have had experience of both puppies and slightly older rescue dogs, and for me, a puppy is easier to adapt as they are a blank slate and you can bond with them and train them from the beginning. However I've also had to rehome a rescue dog that I couldn't cope with after 9 desperate months, and I know how heartbreaking that is. So my advice is, if you have doubts I'd maybe wait a while and see how life goes. Puppies are all-consuming and hard work, especially if you are a really conscientious owner, and dog-ownership is not the best path for everyone. However if you do go ahead, you will get lots of advice and support on here. Good luck in whatever you decide.


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## Rufini (Sep 9, 2011)

sharplesfamily said:


> We had a few weeks off when we brought Luna home but we had deliberately made sure this was timed for when our youngest, Charlie, was due to start school part time.
> 
> It does get easier after a few weeks and if you do go ahead with getting your dog, I'd definitely recommend taking the kids to puppy training with you (or at least the first couple) as they will really take in the knowledge too. Even though Charlie (4 1/2) didn't seem to be listening, he surprised everyone at the Virginia Water meet when he "Parked" one of JD's puppies. They will also need to learn how to put themselves above the dog in the pack - easy enough but they need to know how to do it.
> 
> Both our sons really love all dogs anyway so we did have head start I guess. Good luck and hope you make the right decision FOR YOU.


I agree - maybe puppy training will increase your confidence, and involve the whole family. There's a lady in the class we go to that makes her son (who I think is about 6/7) do all the training during the session so he really connects with the pup, he loves showing off what he can do with her!!


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## Jukee Doodles (Apr 5, 2011)

Stepneych said:


> Thank you Jane for the lovely post.Unfortunatley it runs in the family and I think I have caught the crazy gene )) That is why it is so important for me to be able to do this so that I can feel in control and to know that it has not beaten me.I don't want to be scared of doing things because I feel they may push me over the edge again.I am in sussex so quite a way from London.Hubby is being fantastic about the whole thing but understandably does not want to keep parting with money and to keep having his heart broken with rehoming another dog.He has suggested this time that maybe he could take a week off of work to help settle the pup in to releive some of the stress.does it get a little easier after the first week???
> XC


It sounds to me as thought your anxiety is not so much to do with the puppy itself but more to to with not being able to cope with not being in control. It's your state of mind that makes you panic and therefore not cope. I don't know what that feels like and can only imagine it is an awful feeling. Just a thought have you thought about having something like hypnotherapy to help avoid you getting to that point of panic? Julia


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## Stepneych (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi Julia,
I think you have hit the nail on the head.I had some cbt last time I got quite bad.Before I tried it I mentioned hypnotherapy to my doctor but he said nothing like that works!! he seems quite against alternative therapys
X clare


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## Jukee Doodles (Apr 5, 2011)

Stepneych said:


> Hi Julia,
> I think you have hit the nail on the head.I had some cbt last time I got quite bad.Before I tried it I mentioned hypnotherapy to my doctor but he said nothing like that works!! he seems quite against alternative therapys
> X clare


Hmmm not all doctors are pro the alternative route. You could look privately for a short course of hypnotherapy if you fancied the idea.

J x


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## Stepneych (Nov 24, 2011)

Thank's Julia I think I might as I have been thinking about it for a long time.
x Clare


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## Janev1000 (Oct 4, 2011)

I totally agree with you Julia. That's the sort of anxiety I have had before when I have felt unable to be in control of a situation and it's usually triggered by lack of sleep! I only had this when my boys were newborns and felt controlled by them and unable to sleep. That's why I decided that I was going to have to be the one 'in control' - where possible- with Biscuit and be firm with him at night in his crate, etc and it has been totally fine and I haven't had any anxious feelings whatsoever. I also think it has a lot to do with the general effect that pets have on your overall health - they really can be incredibly calming and good for the soul.


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