# Separation woes



## suem56 (Nov 23, 2015)

Hi guys
Dexter is now 5 months old and HATES being left home alone, for any period of time. Because I don't work I've avoided the issue by not doing this, apart from deliberately, to try and train him to accept it. 
Bit of background - I tried crate training him at the start, but he always cried when locked in. I tried building up very slowly but never found even a short period when he was 'content' and gave up in the end, leaving the door open all the time apart from at night. Now we use the utility room as his crate (and he now also sleeps in our room on his own bed). Gosh I feel like a quitter already just typing this.
So similarly I've tried shutting him in the utility room and leaving the house, starting with a few seconds, then a minute etc - but he starts whining and scratching pretty much straight away. I then had to leave him for an hour and thought maybe the cold turkey approach would be better anyway - but he was still scratching and yapping occasionally when I got back. I tried leaving him with a chicken wing, which he loves, but he didn't touch it until I let him out again. So basically he's hardly been left at all for the past 3 months and I think I may have made a rod for my own back by not sorting this out much sooner. I won't have to leave him very often, but I can't bear the thought that he'll be miserable when I do. I need an action plan to crack this and would really appreciate advice from anyone who's been through similar and worked it out.


----------



## Cat 53 (Aug 26, 2012)

He's obviously your little shadow. Like you, we are at home with our two 24/7 mostly. Ours do sleep in the utility room though. But we have two dogs so they are company for each other. he is still very young, though. Try to be more matter of fact about leaving. Don't pet him before leaving. Just put him in the utility ( or maybe somewhere he is more comfortable. Maybe he sees the utility room as punishment. Could he go in another room.
Anyway, just shut him in and walk away. Try recording him to see how he is when you are out of the house. He may only be scratching because he's hear you.


----------



## Gill57 (Mar 20, 2016)

Have you thought about sending him to Doggy Day Care? I started mine off at 12 weeks of age with just an hour or two to start with and now he quite happily goes for a full day should it be needed. I felt it was important for him to go as there is no-one else in the house except me and for Freddie not to be solely dependant on me. I agree with what Cat23 says in that Dexter may well settle and go to sleep when you are not close by.


----------



## suem56 (Nov 23, 2015)

Thanks Cat 53 & Gill57 
The utility has a comfy bed for him, and we've started feeding him in there and playing with him occasionally to try and make it a happy place - but he isn't fooled, def sees it as his possible place of imprisonment and is wary of going in there :-( but no-where else is easy to make puppy-proof. I don't make any fuss when I leave him, and don't go straight to let him out when I get back. Recording is a good idea as yes, he may hear me approach however much I try and tiptoe.
I've put him in daycare for a couple of hours 3 times now, mainly for socialisation - and he seems happy enough there. Maybe I just need to persist with that, and also do the leaving alone thing more often. I find it so hard to make him unhappy and so maybe just haven't done it often enough yet for him to accept it. I'm just not sure if I should go back to building it up very gradually or not. My gut feel is cold turkey is better as he will eventually, surely, go to sleep. I mean, for young puppies overnight they don't suggest a gradual build up, do they?


----------



## Gill57 (Mar 20, 2016)

It's difficult to recommend what is best Suem56 and I am sure others on this forum will have better ideas but from a personal point of view.....
I built up Freddie's time alone bit by bit every day from 5 minutes on day one, 10 mins on day two etc etc. altho still don't leave him longer than 2hrs (he is 22 weeks old now). I always say the same thing to him when I go out ("I'll be 10 minutes"!). If I forget to say those words and/or go out of a different door he cries. I think it's a matter of routine and reassuring them that you will return. Another thing is to tire him out before he goes in the crate - a tired pup is generally a quiet one! 
Keep us posted as to how you both get on.....


----------



## Cat 53 (Aug 26, 2012)

I'd video him first, then you will know whether he is really distressed or if it's a momentary thing. If the distress is real, then the gradual build up is probably kinder. Could you leave the door between the utility and the kitchen open?


----------



## 2ndhandgal (Aug 29, 2011)

Try and arrange things so he is left very much more as part of your normal routine just around the house, so nipping upstairs you can use a stair gate, going to the bin, shut him in the house (make it several trips - whoops forgot that bit - no Dexter you stay there) as being left less starts to be more normal you can try things like, here is your tea, just putting this in the bin, back in a second. If he has not eaten it no problem bit it is a guide to when he starts to relax and you going out the door is becoming normal.


----------



## Lexi&Beemer (May 5, 2013)

2ndhandgal said:


> Try and arrange things so he is left very much more as part of your normal routine just around the house, so nipping upstairs you can use a stair gate, going to the bin, shut him in the house (make it several trips - whoops forgot that bit - no Dexter you stay there) as being left less starts to be more normal you can try things like, here is your tea, just putting this in the bin, back in a second. If he has not eaten it no problem bit it is a guide to when he starts to relax and you going out the door is becoming normal.




This was what made a difference for us. They have always been left alone, but once they were old enough for daycare, it was only occasionally. Now that they are left more regularly, they are better at being by themselves. Now they sleep whereas before they'd stay awake waiting for me.


----------



## suem56 (Nov 23, 2015)

Thanks guys - little and often, building up, sounds like the answer. I think I've not done it frequently enough, leaving days between, so will try several times a day every day and see how that goes. Great advice as ever - love this website.


----------



## Michele (Nov 12, 2015)

Dogs can sense our apprehension...make your separations as "matter of fact" as possible. I also leave the radio on and find it helps...


----------



## Disneyboo2 (Feb 18, 2016)

Maybe he is okay once you have actually left the house. Whisky knows the difference between me leaving her in a room alone and leaving the house. She howls and yaps but calms down when I actually leave the house and lock the door. I had visions of her upset the whole time I was away! I'm able to see her through a gap in the fence and the patio doors. She keeps looking at the door for a few minutes and then heads off to her bed. She can't be without me for a second in the house and follows me from room to room even when my husband and daughter are at home! 
I think the idea of watching your puppy on a camera to see what happens when your away is a good idea, I was surprised how quickly Whisky settle considering the noise she makes when I leave!


----------



## Mazzapoo (Jul 28, 2013)

Poor you, I really sympathise, Poppy was very upset at first when I used the crate and it made me feel like a murderer but that arrangement was abandoned pretty quickly and we made the hall safe instead, she really wanted some freedom. I totally agree with the tiny steps approach, I spent hours like a madwoman just going in and out of the front door, the back door, up and down the stairs, putting my coat on and off and then sometimes leaving with it on, other times not, rattling keys when I left, rattling keys just walking around. Just basically mixing things up that could be seen as cues for my leaving. Then I started going out and sitting in the car with a webcam on her and I watched on the iPad, 5 minutes a few times a day, building it up over the weeks gradually (taking a book with me when it got to an hour). You'll think I'm mad but I was aware of the possibility of separation anxiety and I had 6 weeks summer holiday until I went back to work for 4 hours a day so I _had_ to get it right. 

The upshot was, over the weeks I got it up to 3 hours (by this time I actually left, I didn't sit in the car for 3 hours ) and she was totally relaxed while I was out, Neil could check the webcam from work and she was always just curled up in her bed after a minute of mooching around and one little tiny whinge which disappeared very quickly. 

It was different in the house, that took a lot longer, she hated being separated if I was upstairs and she was downstairs behind the baby gate, she'd bark at me if I even just stood on the other side but I carried on with the tiny steps approach and it worked.

What I do is make the morning walk close to my leaving time, so she's tired (yeah right!) leave the radio on Classic FM, quite low and throw a few tiny treats by her bed saying 'I'll see you in a minute', I try to be calm and quiet with no extra goodbye petting or fuss and I leave while she's hunting out the treats. I used to use kongs with treats, sometimes frozen in water too, just to keep her busy but she doesn't need that now. In fact, now she comes into the hall happily as I leave, knowing she'll get a treat and then just climbs into bed.

You'll get there but it may be slow progress, just make sure to celebrate each good day and forget the bad ones


----------



## suem56 (Nov 23, 2015)

Thankyou so much for taking the time to share your experience. It really helps to know that it will get better, eventually.


----------

