# I really need some help :-(



## Alfie01 (Apr 22, 2014)

Hello everyone  I have been lurking around for a while. Trying to pluck up the courage to ask for help. I have had Alfie for 6 weeks now. He is the most gorgeous, well mannered puppy I could of hoped for. He absolutely loves cuddles and is really gentle around the children. He is pretty much house trained and is completely create trained at night  Now for my problem :-( I have 4 children 21, 15, 9 and 3 My 3 year old is autistic. All the children love him to bits. My 3 year old on the other hand is very unkind to him. She used to vent her anger onto me but now it is against the dog. Of course we never leave them alone together and alway intervene as quick as is humanly possible when she goes for him. He has been hit, bit, stamped on and today she trapped his tail in the door on purpose. I am devastated. I can't explain to her as she doesn't understand and has communication problems. I do tell her off and correct her behaviour. I am so worried about my pup. My daughter is prone to melt downs. This happens several times a day. Alfie will hide and wee himself when she starts. He is so frightened of her. I have started keeping them apart but this means that Alfie spends a lot of time on his own in the kitchen in the day. Once she has gone to bed he comes in with us. He was a worried little chap when we got him and he like to be with us all the time. I'm so worried about the effect all this will have on him. Any advice would be very welcome. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for your time xxx


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## dmgalley (Aug 19, 2012)

I'm sorry your going through this. My friends son has autism and I know how hard it can be. My fear for your puppy would be he will become aggressive towards children, but I'm not an expert. Do you feel it would be best to rehone him? It happens and there is no shame in having to do what is best for everyone. Big hugs to you. Just do what is best for your family. 

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## Alfie01 (Apr 22, 2014)

Thank you so much for your quick reply. My worry is he will get aggressive towards children or that he will become ill from all the stress. We have talked of re-homing. I want to try and get some advice before we go down that route. I wouldn't even know where to start getting him re-homed. I worry he may go somewhere worse and it will be all our fault :-( xxx


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## Missypoo (Oct 17, 2013)

Reading this has broken my heart, normally when people post about help with their puppies it's because they weren't expecting the reality of having a puppy but your situation is so different.
I have no advice but wish you well, if you do look down the rehoming route there is a facebook group where people have posted to rehome their poos and there are always lots of responses. (Admin not sure if that's allowed, please remove if not..)
This really may not be what you are looking to do and if so I hope someone with experience can help you through this awful testing time. x


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## Alfie01 (Apr 22, 2014)

Thank you missypoo. We did a lot of thinking before we got Alfie. We also thought it would be good for the children to have him. They have all taken a responsibility for him. He really is the loveliest dog. Thank you for replying xxx


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## Grove (Oct 17, 2012)

A very difficult situation for you. How do you feel about the thought of rehoming? It may be kindest for the dog as your daughter will not be able to change her behaviour and it doesn't seem practical or fair on the puppy to keep them living apart under the same roof  I would be concerned about the dog developing inappropriate coping strategies to deal with the fear of her (already hiding and weeing himself is worrying enough but it could escalate to him feeling the need to defend himself), of course she cannot help her behaviour but that is why he is right to be afraid. I'm not sure it's fair for him to live with someone who he knows will hurt him, because it's not like a human sibling where you can explain the situation to them - as a dog he only learns through experience

I can't really see how you could do something to improve this as it's not to do with training etc 

I wish your family the best, I can imagine it's a very upsetting situation when other family members have bonded with the puppy


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## wellerfeller (Jul 12, 2011)

I am sorry to read this. In this instance I would absolutely recommend finding a new home for the puppy. He is so young and he will become aggressive towards your daughter and likely other small children too. The fact he is already wetting himself shows extreme stress and fear. Sooner it later someone, either your daughter or the puppy is going to get seriously hurt.
Only rehome through a recognised organisation or try the recently established breed clubs as they maybe able to offer an emergency foster placement while a home is found. I think you should try this ASAP as I think it's unfair on all of you to continue like this.
Sending much support to you.


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## tessybear (May 1, 2011)

How heartbreaking for you and for the rest of your children. I think there is no other solution other than to rehome your pup. I do feel for you and wish you the best. I'm sure you'll find him another loving family.


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## Nanci (Mar 1, 2012)

I totally agree with rehoming ASAP!!! These dogs are very sensitive and he is still young enough to love and bond to a new forever family. You cannot change your daughters behaviour but you certainly can make sure your precious puppy is safe and secure. I'm so sorry you are in this position and for the courage it took to post this unfortunate situation. Please keep us imformed and best of luck.


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## Marzi (Sep 17, 2012)

Bless you. What an awful situation for you to be in. 
Have you asked for help from PAWS?
Or one of the assistance dogs trainers centres.
It is rubbish for you, your pup and all of your children. Maybe someone would foster your pup and allow you time to see whether you can get strategies in place, in time your daughter might form a more positive bond with him.
Big hugs, I do feel for you.


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## Tinman (Apr 23, 2013)

Oh it is a dilemma for you, it's a shame your daughter doesn't form a positive bond with the puppy. I hope you manage to work something out which is best for all concerned. Hugs x


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## Alfie01 (Apr 22, 2014)

Thank you so much everyone  lots to think about for me. I have just come back from our evening walk. It breaks my heart to even consider re-homing. I am going to give lots of thought as to what happens next. I can't thank you enough for bring so supportive. Xxx


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## Lottierachel (Mar 3, 2013)

You've done so well, living with the situation for 6 weeks, and are so brave to ask for advice. Ultimately, you have to do what is best for your family and also for your lovely puppy. It was the hiding and weeing that struck me - I hate to think of a dog being that afraid.

Maybe, when your daughter is a little older, the time might be right for your family to have a dog.

Good luck in whatever you do xxxx


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## fairlie (Sep 7, 2013)

Big hugs to you Alfie, it sounds like stress on stress which is never a good thing!

Again I am the odd man out amongst my friends here, which is particularly ironic because I have never been a fan of puppies for families with children under seven years old. However I work with autistic kids and I know there are a multitude of good reasons for your family to have a puppy. 

If your older children are on side with keeping the pup I'd have a meeting with them and enlist their help. I'd keep pup and daughter separated at ALL times unless someone very responsible is within arms reach of your daughter. Any sign of aggression towards the pup I would instantly time her out for three minutes, no talking, no explanation at all on her naughty chair or step or...

Daily I'd have short sessions where they are interacting in the same room, with two helpers and I'd pop her favourite treat (smarties/raisins/popcorn) in your daughters mouth with a "good girl for being so gentle" for every minute she is not trying to hurt the dog. For any sign of affection or gentle behaviour from your daughters part I'd give two treats or what she most likes to work for (video/special toy/tickle?) most.

In the meantime I'd get your other kids to love that puppy up like no puppy has ever been loved. Lots of gentle cuddles in their rooms, many trips to the park to play with other dogs and nice children, give her a really wonderful life. Pup will learn to defend herself as your daughter gets older and very soon your daughter will be in school and things will be easier. 

If you do decide to rehome and no one would blame you if you did, you could still consider getting another pup in a few years. Then or now it will be an awful lot of work but the payoff could be very good.

Here is a photo of Rufus with one of my clients, a profoundly autistic boy, maybe nine or so in this photo. Jamie now has his own therapy dog at home and although he sometimes is too rough, the dogs have learned that that is how he is, they watch out for him and love him despite his shortcomings. 










Good luck to you!


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## Tinman (Apr 23, 2013)

Lovely post fairlie - love little Rufus doing his PAT work


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## RuthMill (Jun 30, 2012)

Brilliant post Fairlie. I am sure Alfie01(Mel) will really appreciate your expert opinion.

Mel, your story is heartbreaking. I really feel for that pup and all of you who love your pup and your daughter very much. I cannot imagine the heartache.

I really hope you are able to come to a decision for everyone's benefit but think you really need to ensure your pup is at the focus here, being so young and impressionable. Sorry I can't contribute any more than that. Thinking of you all.


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## Alfie01 (Apr 22, 2014)

Thank you fairlie for your lovely post  We have done a lot of talking and although we still haven't made our minds up yet. 

If we do decide to re-home. Where would I start ? How do I make sure my gorgeous puppy doesn't end up in the wrong hands ? His situation here isn't great but we love the bones of him. What if we sent him to a worse place :-( Are there any places I can contact that can do house checks or advice me on finding him a home ? 

Alfie is well cared for and we do love him. We love him enough to do what's right for him. 

I didn't expect to be in this situation. Thank you all so much for your posts. Xxxx


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## Grove (Oct 17, 2012)

People on here in the past have reported that Stephen from jukee doodles has helped with rehoming. He breeds cockapoos so will probably have a long list of people hoping for a puppy. http://www.jukeedoodles.com/p/contact-us.html?m=1

I'm not in the loop with Facebook but I believe there is some group there too

You could also consider contacting the breeder if you felt that would be good for you, many good breeders would take the puppy back

It's a difficult thing and I agree that dogs can certainly be beneficial for children with all sorts of disabilities. In this situation thoigh I think what's difficult is te puppy is already very frightened of her and also she is so young herself that it would be difficult to say what her needs may be like as she gets older and what type of dog may be best. I agree that owning a dog in the future could be perfectly possible, and if it was via a charity where te dog was already trained to be used to it it might be a better match for the family

I also agree with others that the sooner he is rehomed the better chance he has of not developing fear and anxiety by default in the future

When someone was talking about rehoming a dog before someone had an idea that they would ask the future new owners for proof of having signed up to training classes and an insurance policy etc, this would help show that you knew that dog would be cared for


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## Hfd (Aug 19, 2011)

I don't have any advice but wanted to offer my sympathy for the dreadful situation you find yourself in. It's really hard when everyone has had chance to bond with your puppy to now have to consider rehoming.

In the long run it might be kindest to do this if you think the situation won't improve. As you say you need to concentrate on your 3 year old and it's not nice having to lock away your puppy in the kitchen. 

Stephen at jukee doodles (google it for his number) may be able to offer you some advice and a way forward and if you decide to rehome then he can help and support this option. He is a lovely guy and I'm sure he will be most happy to chat with you.

Good luck, let us know how you get on x


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## Lexi&Beemer (May 5, 2013)

Is there someone you know, friend or relative, who would want to take him? Not that I ever would but I had 3 or 4 people who wanted either of them should it turn out that they didn't get along. I know someone on here rehomed one if two littermates to their cousin. That way you still get to see him. Though that may be difficult too. 


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## tessybear (May 1, 2011)

As someone has mentioned Stephen from the I love my cockapoo forum is very helpful with rehoming cockapoos. There are many who would jump at the chance of getting a pup already socialized and nearly house trained. I have heard he has waiting lists so may well be able to find a home for your pup.


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## wellerfeller (Jul 12, 2011)

tessybear said:


> As someone has mentioned Stephen from the I love my cockapoo forum is very helpful with rehoming cockapoos. There are many who would jump at the chance of getting a pup already socialized and nearly house trained. I have heard he has waiting lists so may well be able to find a home for your pup.


Stephen isn't in this forum any more, he was banned sometime ago.
If you wish to contact the Cockapoo clubs you just need to hit google. I personally would also ask the doodle trust, they have a lot of experience in rehoming.


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## tessybear (May 1, 2011)

Ok thanks for the heads up, I was unaware that Stephen had been banned. I meant of course to say the cockapoo club not this forum, apologies.


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## wellerfeller (Jul 12, 2011)

tessybear said:


> Ok thanks for the heads up, I was unaware that Stephen had been banned. I meant of course to say the cockapoo club not this forum, apologies.


No worries at all Tess.


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## Nellies mum (May 12, 2013)

Such a sad situation  However there are instances re-homing should be immediate and I think this is one. I work with an Autistic child who has a fixation on a certain person (an adult) and when he has a meltdown he will do anything to get to this person to hurt them! We have tried most things to try and change this behaviour however he just doesn't understand. I'm worried for your pup and if you wait his behaviour will be affected and sadly become a scared and aggressive dog. Sorry to be blunt but you need to think what is best for your puppy. The Doodle Trust Foster and Re-home Cockapoo's. Good luck with it x


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## Cat 53 (Aug 26, 2012)

I'm wondering here if there is something that could help your daughter with her melt downs. I have worked with a wonderful man called Howard Plummer who specialised in fascia Bowen for autistic children. The results he achieved were quite remarkable. He ran a clinic in Cardiff. You could google him. I'm using the past tense because I know he is no longer running the courses, but his clinic may be still operating. If not contact Jo Wortley at BTPA (Bowen Therapists Professional Association) she has been working closely with Howard and may be able to help. There is also a man in Scotland Called Iain Jordon. He too works with autistic children. Google Jordoneyes. His work too is quite remarkable. Otherwise find a local Bowen Therapist that runs a children's clinic ( often donation based) or with a heavily reduced fee. Please try. It just maybe you will be able to keep your puppy if Bowen can help modify your child's behaviour.


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